I sometimes think I think too much. No, I know I do. But is it the Holy Spirit in me convicting me or am I just so worried to mess anything up or am I just thinking about how I am such a mess? God, why is letting go so scary? And why is self control so hard? Why does sin exist? Ok, I know why it exists but I really wish I was better at not struggling with it. Lately, I have just felt like a failure. I don't study enough. I don't work enough or make enough money. I don't see my family enough. I have been the worst Big Sister Melanie could have. I'm a terrible girlfriend, but being a girlfriend has made me a terrible friend. I am a terrible daughter. I have no idea why you have mercy on me other than the fact that I just don't understand You at all and that is why You are so great. How do I get these things in order? I have no time for myself, but is that selfish? If I invested in people like I'm supposed to then I'd see everyone I need to once a week....maybe less. Is it selfish of me to just want to hide. I feel as though I'm constantly letting someone down....and You are always number one on that list. Am I ready to leave for a whole summer and serve you 13 long hours a day in a place where there is no one i know? And worst of all where Cody won't be? Sometimes I wish You wouldn't have let us meet because its so hard to get things done. I hate feelings....they freak me out. I am so terrified that I might love him. I'm tearing up just typing these words. Love is so painful, You of all know that the most. I'm so scared that he's not gonna love me back, not saying that I love him but I something him. I know for a fact that I don't want to leave him for three months. It hurts to be away from him for a day. I'm miserable right now because I don't get to see him til tuesday. THAT IS SO STUPID!
I am over undergrad. I am over working. I am over not being able to invest people. That is my heart, God. People. Melanie. Family. Mason. Bella. My roommates. Amber and lex. Jessica and Caragyn. Cody and his family. and Me. I want to invest in these people through You. I want to want You so much more. People think I have things so figured out and yet I am so unsatisfied with myself. And yet I'm not doing a single thing about it. What is wrong me?!?! I hate being human sometimes, God. I hate failure and humans = failure. I'm screwed.
Hear my cries O Lord and remember me. David cried something like this once. I guess he turned out ok after committing adultery and being a liar.
It starts with You. I know this. Remind me not only daily but by the minute. I am so foolish.
And one more thing. Heal my heart. I'd like to give it away soon....I think.
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