15 hours....

Saddness falls again

not like snow

more like rain

As a flood

it rushes over

never asking for consent

leaves me standing

feeling spent

Stars are the only thing we share

so i'll look up

think of you

wishing distance

was never true

So come over

lets dance a while

our souls mingling

burning like fire

Let's build a house

call it trust

imagine a world

centered around us

But for now

i'll stand on this cliff

as the wind blows

i'll make one wish

to never see you from afar

to have you close to my heart

So I'll wear you

around my wrist

and wait for the day

when loving you

is not a wish

Mouths weren't made to talk

but for passion and for pain

for stealing hearts


and stopping rain

To the man I want to know

little girl

wanna know a secret?

you don't know

your own mind

hiding behind

your own lies

what are you looking for?

a new life

in a new place

a new time

with mistakes you can't erase

and now you have to choose
between the known
and the new
the passion you wanted
and the good you knew

take my breath away

just one more time

tell me the truth

and we'll be just fine

exhale

so i can

breathe you in

my favorite sin

so i'll just ramble

until you find me

i'll just wander

until you save me

but when you find me

i'll lock you out

hiding under the covers

of my own doubt

Leaving you....

hurts so bad :(

I thank God for you

Madison said this weeks ago and it hasn't left my mind since:

Nothing is better than meeting Jesus. Not sex, marriage, having kids, being rich, nothing. Not a thing. Meeting Jesus is going to be the most incredible thing and I can't wait. I wish it would happen tomorrow!

She is so assured and excited...and right. All these things that we put value in don't matter. Not love not sex not marriage not even babies. Everything we have are but dirty rags when they are compared to Christ. How I wish I had her same excitement. Every time she talks about her love of God, it just blesses me. She is so sincere. You know exactly what she is feeling at all times. When she's happy, she's laughing. When she's sad, she's crying. When she's mad....you'll know. When she's frustrated she will run up to my room and tell me exactly what is on her mind. When she is excited, she talks in a high pitch happy voice. She is genuine. Completely genuine and it is so refreshing to have a friend like this.

She has no idea how much God speaks to me through her. Through her laugh and gentle spirit. Through her compliments and conversations. Through her smile that is as a big as the day is long.

Nothing is better than Jesus coming back. Nothing.




I helped deliver my nephew yesterday. It was the most incredible thing I have ever seen or been a part of. I have never felt closer to my sister. I have never felt adrenaline like that. I wanted to cry, laugh, smile, yell, and pee my pants at the same time. And even this new human being that I saw come into this world is greater than meeting Jesus.

I think I am growing into love. I have never had feelings like this for anyone. I have never felt more loved in my entire life. And even this is not better than meeting Jesus.

I wish I felt this way everyday. I wish I believed it a hundred percent. Because to be honest I don't and it hurts me.

Madison's faith is beyond a relationship. She is in love. Real, hard, yearning love.





I'm ready to be real.

humans = failure, but compare yourself to Christ only

I sometimes think I think too much. No, I know I do. But is it the Holy Spirit in me convicting me or am I just so worried to mess anything up or am I just thinking about how I am such a mess? God, why is letting go so scary? And why is self control so hard? Why does sin exist? Ok, I know why it exists but I really wish I was better at not struggling with it. Lately, I have just felt like a failure. I don't study enough. I don't work enough or make enough money. I don't see my family enough. I have been the worst Big Sister Melanie could have. I'm a terrible girlfriend, but being a girlfriend has made me a terrible friend. I am a terrible daughter. I have no idea why you have mercy on me other than the fact that I just don't understand You at all and that is why You are so great. How do I get these things in order? I have no time for myself, but is that selfish? If I invested in people like I'm supposed to then I'd see everyone I need to once a week....maybe less. Is it selfish of me to just want to hide. I feel as though I'm constantly letting someone down....and You are always number one on that list. Am I ready to leave for a whole summer and serve you 13 long hours a day in a place where there is no one i know? And worst of all where Cody won't be? Sometimes I wish You wouldn't have let us meet because its so hard to get things done. I hate feelings....they freak me out. I am so terrified that I might love him. I'm tearing up just typing these words. Love is so painful, You of all know that the most. I'm so scared that he's not gonna love me back, not saying that I love him but I something him. I know for a fact that I don't want to leave him for three months. It hurts to be away from him for a day. I'm miserable right now because I don't get to see him til tuesday. THAT IS SO STUPID!

I am over undergrad. I am over working. I am over not being able to invest people. That is my heart, God. People. Melanie. Family. Mason. Bella. My roommates. Amber and lex. Jessica and Caragyn. Cody and his family. and Me. I want to invest in these people through You. I want to want You so much more. People think I have things so figured out and yet I am so unsatisfied with myself. And yet I'm not doing a single thing about it. What is wrong me?!?! I hate being human sometimes, God. I hate failure and humans = failure. I'm screwed.

Hear my cries O Lord and remember me. David cried something like this once. I guess he turned out ok after committing adultery and being a liar.

It starts with You. I know this. Remind me not only daily but by the minute. I am so foolish.

And one more thing. Heal my heart. I'd like to give it away soon....I think.

Secrets, secrets are not nice. Secret, secrets give you lice.

I could
possibly be falling
and not really care
even though I should

I could
be thinking of you now
i just left you a second ago
i knew that I would

I could
lose my breath
every time you breathe
it's just that good

I could
look at your forever
hold your hand for 80 years
knock on wood

I could
not think a single thought
including you in every single one
I'll give you everything he took

I could
physically hurt
at the thought of leaving you
where you stood

I could
have dreamed of you
like a prince on his horse
wants from my childhood

I could
be completely satisfied
and totally captivated
the wants of my heart understood

I could
love you

I could
tell you

I could......

Two years ago and you're still ruining everything

It was you
who made me jealous
who askewed my emotions
intentions in plain view

It was you
my first everything
you said those words
such a lie too

It was you
the reason i feel
distraught and envious
never owning up to what you do

It was you
why I am this way
jealous and destroyed
looking like a fool

It was you
I tried
it was ninety and ten
you can't have a redo

It was you
why trust is a fight
a struggle to do what is right
my mind is a zoo

It was you
I have to thank
all the lessons learned
Nothing is new

It was you
I thought it was you
It could have been you
It would have been you

if it wasn't for me